the dust has finally settled for the most part and i am trying to find my groove. got back into working out (finally) and eating at home alot. this past weekend was a bit of a reality shock. lonely and alone, i found solace in a newly purchased korean drama ("one fine day"), hence the infatuation with Gong Yoo. saturaday came and went like a slug. sunday was a bit more productive (guilt is the great motivator for squandering saturday). i love to counter unproductive days with a productive one, it becomes a wash. besides, one has to contribute to GNP even if it means going to the market and doing laundry.
i find myself in my head more often these days as i have less of an escape, less distractions if you will. and in the process, beginning to discover quite a bit about myself. just when i thot i knew all there was to know about me at 37... voila! there is more. take away all the accountability, structure and distractions and you are left with... well, just yourself, no audience to please or play to. i once heard that you are who you are when no one is looking. that is where i find myself. take this blog for an example. it has an audience that it plays to. sure i'm honest in what i share, but believe me when i say that it isn't published without edits. now imagine a blog without an audience. it would look different. some expletives for those genuinely frustrating moments, intimate thoughts and longings for God or my deep cravings for profound friendships etc. this is a good thing. not that i want to get over critical and analytical nor live in my head all day long, but that i get to have this rare opportunity to discover who i am without an audience. how would my physical and spiritual discipline look? only time will tell. in a way i feel like i need to catch up with myself. i have let distractions, good and bad to keep me from facing me - it's been an easy out. my life driven by calendar, reacting to people and events. not that it hasn't all together been thoughtful or meaningful, but perhaps not as intentional as i would have liked. my pastor once said, don't let life happen to you, DO LIFE. perhaps that's where i finally find myself. but regardless of any given situation, the choice is still mine to make. maybe this time, i will choose differently.
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2 comments:
You're getting so philosophical. Actually though, what an amazing opportunity for you. You're so right that we get drawn into the busyness of our lives and avoid being alone with ourselves. I admire you for taking the time to be introspective--good for you!
That was a beautiful entry. It makes me think. This is going to be a great learning experience for you and I hope that all the changes that you go through are positive ones. You are a wonderful person and I'm sure you are going to like what you see as you are looking at yourself :).
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